atonia…

This feels like a cycle I can’t escape. You know when you’re not truly over something because grief refuses to let you move on? Every time it crosses your mind, you feel ridiculous—like you should be past it by now. But the truth is, I’m ashamed to be angry. Ashamed that this still affects me. I carry so much shame around normal human emotions that it only stretches out the pain, making it linger longer than it should. And so, here we are.

Last week, I found out my best friend is moving in with my ex-best friend—the one I had the worst falling out of my life with almost a year ago. I saw the fallout coming well before it happened, but that didn’t soften the blow. I felt betrayed, but more than anything, I kept asking myself: Why me? What did I do to deserve this from someone I loved? But as I dealt with the grief, I discovered it wasn’t her that I missed—I missed the routine. The triangular bond we created with my other best friend. The dynamic that felt inexplicable. That was gone, but she never really disappeared. She lingered, always present in some way, because the betrayal was between her and me—not him. Their friendship would continue.

And now, a year later, like some sick joke, they’re getting an apartment together.

I hate that I understand it. I hate that I get why this makes sense for him. But here it is again—that same gut-punch of betrayal, except this time, it feels different. Like a wound I stitched shut, only for someone to rip out the thread. But I shouldn’t be upset, right? And yet, I am. I’m angry.

And the worst part? I can feel myself pulling away from him. I know it’s a defense mechanism—if I leave first, I won’t have to deal with the pain later—but knowing that doesn’t stop it. I feel guilty for wanting to give up. Guilty for distancing myself. Guilty for the way my stomach twists when I see his name on my phone.

I know I have to sit with this feeling until I can fully understand it, but God, I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be stuck in this anymore. Maybe thats the hardest part—feeling stuck between understanding and resentment, between moving on and being held in place by the weight of it all. Its like my emotions are locked in place, suspended in something I cant quite shake. Who knows, with time, maybe the feeling will fade, and ill regain control over what this friendship means to me. But right now, I remain here—caught in the in-between…